Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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