uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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