I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
