If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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