mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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