Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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