True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
