dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
