drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
