I think I died a long time ago.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
