I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
