Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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