This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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