I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
