Your favorite bartender is back from prision
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
