I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
