When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
