Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
