WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
