Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
