Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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