Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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