Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
