I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
