Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
