Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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