And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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