My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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