After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
