i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
