I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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