There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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