Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
