My room smells like vodka and shame
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
