those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
