On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
