Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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