Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
