Old men and throwing up are my life now.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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