it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
