cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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