Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
