Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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