a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
