Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
