I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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