My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
