Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
