Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
