Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
