He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
