Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
