i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
