I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
