I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
