Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
