I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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