I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How naked do you want me to be?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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